Voices From Russia, Too

Saturday, 16 July 2011

16 July 2011. I Was Only Looking for an Image of a Baloney Sandwich…

I saw the above (relatively small) image of a baloney sandwich on Wikipedia… well, I thought, I can find something far larger than that. Boy, was I in for a surprise! I googled “baloney sandwich”… mostly, you get fancy-shmancy Alice Waters-style pretentious creations that look nothing like the baloney sandwiches that Mom made when you were a kid. Oh, well… I tried “boloney sandwich”… the same thing! Back to the ol’ drawing board, kids… so, I typed in “bologna sandwich”… and I finally got something above 400 pixels in width, to wit:


THIS was the best that I could find using Google. Sad, ain’t it? You’d think that there’d be a bajillion images of REAL baloney sandwiches out there. You know what I’m talkin’ about… on Wonder Bread… with Velveeta cheese… with yellow mustard. It’s like the whole world eats ’em, but everybody’s ashamed to admit that they do. Next thing ya know, the ketchup on hot dogs crowd is gonna run and hide (yes… I know that’s an abomination of desolation by comparison, but hey… we don’t have to eat it). C’mon, we’ve all eaten these things at half past dark, when we were half in the bag, and not completely in compos mentis. Trust me… it’s part of growing up in America… it’s like the bacon butty in England… it tastes DELECTABLE after a couple of brewskies…

I wanted to see if this sandwich prudery extended to that other late-night post-celebration “it was a good idea at the time” sandwich… the grilled cheese sandwich. By all that’s holy, my supplications were answered, and there were scads of HUGE images… here’s one:


Yes, sir… this looks like the REAL DEAL… Velveeta cheese on whole-meal bread fried in margarine. That, and a bottle of Mad Dog… the late-night Breakfast of Champions (the 08.00 analogue is cold pizza and warm beer). Don’t try to gussy this up and use a goat cheese that smells like the goat sat in it, or, use a bread that requires a sourdough starter that requires you to start preparing it two weeks in advance. Yet, it reassured me to find out that Google can get you what you want… there’s enough times when it either doesn’t deliver any, or, it only delivers Grade-Z images that look like Igor the Crazed Albanian Dwarf just ran ’em through his Photoshop program. There’s SOME sanity left in this world… God bless America.


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